Thoughts, Realizations and the Will Of God

I'm sorry Circles--I have been bad about this again. But here I am updating again--a month later.

Lots to say.

I have been praying for a co-worker (Erica) to come to truely know the Lord for the past year or so and it still is in the process, but she came with me to the Good Friday service at RockHarbor and really, I mean REALLY enjoyed the service. Then, Easter came and it was supposed to only be her and her two-year old daughter that were to accompany me. Then her husband ended up going because an even he was supposed to work got canceled. Then her sister and her kids ended up going, because well, they were in the area. Praise God for that--we had a whole group of us. When it came time to rise at the call to accept Christ, Erica and his sister stood up. It was awesome. Since then, Erica has been asking lots of question, eager to know more about who He is. She was supposed to attend Life with God, but things didn't work out. It has been brought to my attention the more I think about it, that since has no one else and I know her, that I should mentor her. I'm really glad that the Bible Interpretation class is tonight, because I want to make sure I lead her through the scriptures correctly. I do not want to add or take away from scripture (Rev. 22:18-19). The reason I got out of leadership at my other church was for this reason--I didn't want to mislead anyone or give them false information. Because I have this perfectionist view point at moments, I have realized that it's ok to not have all the answers. if I don't have the answer, well I'll pray about it, research it, talk to you guys about it, ask Darren or anyone else. So today, I approached Erica and told her what I have been thinking. An hour or so a week, going through the Bible--learning about Jesus. I ask that you guys pray for me that I can lean more on the Holy Spirit and less on myself through everything but also in mentoring my friend. I pray that God stretches me and matures me through this and that much fruit is produced.

On another note, I understand why we needed to have mentors through the Circles commitment. It makes a lot of sense--through my walk with the Lord since 2003, I have basically been the yo-yo Christian. Walking with the Lord one minute, and once things have gotten hard-- I replaced God with something else and fell into temptation-- you couldn't even tell from looking at me if I was even a Christian. I have realized a lot of that has to do with the people I surround myself with and well, it just doesn't cut it anymore. I have also realized in recent weeks that isolation is a big no no. A friend of mine, who used to mentor me when I first came to Jesus said it best last night: "When you start isolating yourself, you open yourself up to Satan." It's true. It really is. Everytime I have isolated myself, I stopped doing anything that had to do with God, even hiding things going on in myself from Christian friends because I was ashamed. When I have told friends recently of falling off the bandwagon a few months back, I tremble as I start talking about it, filled with shame. I've realized that I need to be around much more mature Christians who have been walking with God longer than me to help me understand what it means to walk with Him through the trials, temptation, etc. I really need that. I didn't realize how much I needed this until a week ago. It was like looking at myself in a mirror and seeing my fallen nature but also knowing that I need help. As much as I want to do these things on my own, I just can't because God created us to be with community, not for man be by him(her)self.

I also finally met my mentor last week and it was awesome. Thanks Darrin! :) We just did introductions and it was pretty cool. I surprised myself with something I said because at first I had no idea what to say, but she asked me, "What do you want to get out of this?" I told her, "I want to learn more discernment and how to live as a Godly woman." So I hope I learn a lot, I'm still running on empty and want to learn so much. Yes one of mys strengths is Input. Ha. I want to be more optimistic and let God give me grace. I still have problems with being too hard on myself. I pray that I can stop believing lies and get over this, but at the same time, keep my ego in check and not get too ahead of myself.

I have been reading some good stuff lately. Besides the reading in Circles, I have turned my attention to reading devotionals everyday through this great bible study magazine called, TableTalk (http://www.ligonier.org/tabletalk/)--its a magazine our of Ligonier Ministries that R.C. Sproul is the founder of. Really deep and meaty. Been also reading Through Gates of Splendor. It's the story about the five missionaries that were martyred in the Ecuadorian jungles in the 1950's. Haven't read all of it but it's gotten my mind spinning a little bit. Also read C.S. Lewis's The Great Divorce and thinking about reading the Confessions by St. Augustine. Even though I am not in school, my life outside of work and anything else is filled with studying about who he is, what he wants for me, how can I model my life for him to glorify him, how I can serve him, how to die to myself daily and live for him. Those are the desires of my heart at the moment.

Cannot wait for the retreat this weekend. You guys are awesome! Hope we even get closer as a group this weekend!