Hello new friends of Circles! I am so happy to have found such an awesome group of people that want to pursue this eight month journey together with God into the unknown. I hope we all become great friends! :) I have been so encouraged by many of your blogs and how your faith walks have been going. This has also been encouraging because it's been a long time since I have really felt inspired to write, I mean really write. So I'm glad that passion is becoming alive as I type this. I feel almost at a lose of what to say of my own faith walk. It's been one of up's and down's or has just been avoided altogether because of feelings ridden with guilt and shame. I have tried to get past these hurdles and slowly I am. But it's been slow. And sometimes, I can't stand it. I am impatient. This is a long one people. I have a lot to say on this one. :)
Here's a quick history of the past year. I attended Mosaic church (in Los Angeles) for the past five years or so before coming to ROCKHARBOR last year sometime..hmm I think it was May. I was in leadership at Mosaic helping with their flourishing woman's ministry in which I helped out with their annual woman's magazine for the past two years. I wrote one story one year and helped with editing and last year I was the main editor of the whole thing. It was a great time for me and I really enjoyed it. But something happened along the way. I started attending a bible study in December of 2009 that really gave me a reality check. The bible study was very in depth and very intense, something I had not really had before. I realized that there was still much to learn and I didn't have God "figured out" as I thought. During those couple months, I started to feel insecure in my walk. I thought, "How am I supposed to lead people if I don't really know God as I thought I did?" "How am I supposed to encourage people if I am not exactly living this life as a believer if I am not praying, or reading my Bible or not always going to Bible Study or church?" What kind of leader is that? I felt that I wasn't in the position to be in leadership and felt extremely uncomfortable with myself.
I went to the leadership team and told them I couldn't be involved. I told them I still had much to learn in who God is and cannot lead people if I just have no idea what I was doing anymore. I also wanted hardcore teachings to show me the way. I couldn't stand the sugarcoated stuff anymore. I was thirsty and so hungry to really know the depths of scripture and where God wants me. I didn't want to be bothered with what people thought of me. I didn't want to hide my bible at work for fear of questions.I wanted to talk to people about God, but I was tired of feeling vulnerable when I didn't know how to answer the tougher questions.
Since I had already told them I would take on the magazine, I completed my role from January to April of last year. After that, I became a regular attendee and nothing more. I wanted to make sure I was right with God before doing anything where I would be a representative of God. I wanted to represent God in truth and was afraid of decieveing others, especially since there were questions I still had or things I still had a hard time accepting. I grew up knowing about God but not being told the entire truth and that angered me when I accepted Christ. I definitely did not want to do the same to those who are searching for truth. I stopped going to church and prayed for another community where I could get fed and could have this deeper conversation that my body was aching for.
Along with that, I have been on the rollarcoaster of my life with questions that scare me.I started mixing grace with legalism and still to this day feel confused about where I am with God. I understand God has grace despite our imperfections but I don't know. I still feel like I need to have it more together. I hope to truly understand in the future that God loves me no matter what. But I still don't believe it completely. I have questions like, "Ok I accepted Christ a long time ago and believe in him and want to follow him completely, but there are the times I fall and don't care. Why do I feel like this and why do I do these things?" I think too much, can you tell?
I have had this perfectionism issue as well that if I am not PERFECT, then I might as well give up. This has been a huge pitfall in my life.School went down the drain because of this issue, my prayer life has been tough because I have been overwhelmed with shame and guilt of coming to God and repenting for the same things over and over that I have just stopped. I have started praying again recently, but I still am scared to come to God asking for anything because I feel like all I do is screw up and nothing is good enough. Trying to be good for God this past year has been hard and have dealt with much depression. In the past couple months, I have been working with a therapist to rewire my thinking from false thinking to truth thinking. It has been a hard road but I have been seeing some improvements as of this past month. I hope I can overcome these obstacles and be encouraging to other believers in the future who may be dealing with similar issues.
In the past couple months, I haven't been trying to live for God--I guess I have been going with the flow. It bothers me. Last night at Circles was the first time in about a month that I really opened up the Bible and read scripture. It is weird..I used to read the Bible everyday, but last night I felt that zeal that I used to feel after feeding my spirit with His Spirit. I realize that I have been believing lies for a long time and recognize this is my thought pattern, but when you are very intoxicated in a strong habit that's been part of you since you were a kid, it is very hard to break especially when you know the truth in your head but your heart makes it so convincing that anything people tell you just isn't true. The best way I can explain this is in Romans 7:14-17:
"So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that is doing it."
I feel like I am constantly battling against the flesh, and in the past couple months, the flesh has been winning.I have been in some heavy spiritual warfare lets just put it that way. Even though I know sin is living in me, I don't want to also use that as an excuse to why I cannot change. I just struggle with change. Comfort at times of temptation rules what God says. I don't like admitting this but it's the truth.
On a happier note, even though I have been swimming in this muck, I am very encouraged to have joined Circles. Even with these struggles, I believe that as we all grow together in community as we have started doing, we will produce much fruit and I feel very comforted. God placed us all here together for a reason. I joined because I saw it was a community of believers to grow in their walk. I need this and am a little bit scared to tell you the truth. When we grow, along with it comes it's "growing pains". I know the pains will hurt, but it gives me comfort to know I am not doing it alone this time, or more like I'm glad I'm not pushing people away this time. I'm glad to have taken this risk and not let fear control me this time around. Thanks for reading.
Becka, thank you so much for your honesty! im so excited to see how much we all grow together because i feel like everyone is really willingly to be an open book and not fake it :)
ReplyDeletethe process of being sanctified in Christ is not an easy one, given that we will never be able to completely rid ourselves of our flesh here in this life. It's a constant battle. One in which sometimes we feel like we're drowning in failure. It's so encouraging to know that Jesus is right there with us in the battle! and the greatest part of all, is this is a battle which, through Christ, we have already won!
1 corinthians 15:55-58 "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?
For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power, But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ. So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that NOTHING you ever do for the Lord is ever useless."
and in this battle, "since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested." (Hebrews 2: 18)
and the sickest part of all is that Christ is our High Priest! praying for us and asking the Father for forgiveness of our sins!
"So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we beleive. Ths High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come BOLDY to the throne of our gracious God. There we will recieve his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." Hebrews 4: 14-16 amen right? :)
Becka, Jesus is right there with you in this muck :) Cling to him with everything, He WILL pull you out of this. I hope you get some encouragment from this, You'll be in my prayers.
Thank you Zach. Appreciate the encouragement :)
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty and raw feelings in this. It is amazing.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed this crazy timeline in many christians lives - especially my own, of course - we receive Jesus and are beyond excited about all He has promised us and all the truth that is now being woven into our lives. We are stoked and happy on cloud 9. We go through our fair share of struggles, begin new relationships with other christians, etc...Then we hit that brick wall... These " Sunday School" teachings of Jesus just aren't enough and we are discontent ( even though we may not be able to pinpoint the discontentment ) ... we find ourselves in this state of ...maybe stagnant yet just coasting through life. I have found personally that during these times God is purging us of our idolatry. In that God is inviting His people into an even more profound and real union with Him that involves the nit and grit of our hearts. It's a battle worth fighting. It's important to remain steadfast in your pursuit of Him and even though you may hit your head on that brick wall often, you will break through and God will indeed respond in the ways that not only reach you at the deepest levels but the ways in which this turmoil you feel will not even compare to the glory that He will reveal in you through this season. ( Romans 8:18 )
Lastly, please know that the Holy Spirit is indeed transforming you even in these times of seemingly no progress and in the midst of all these questions you have. I know that the time will come where you step back and are in awe with what the Lord has purged you of while redeeming and restoring what the enemy has taken from you.
"The LORD your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zeph 3:17
Much Love :)
Becka. I admire your heart and the value that you place on leadership roles. You were mature enough to realize that you needed to step back and work on your own faith and relationship for a while...and that is commendable. I would love to have a conversation with you sometime on this subject. I too have been and still find myself in similar situations. There is so much on my mind but just not enough sspace to type it :) but let's connect sometime ok?
ReplyDeleteSure sounds good Charity!!
ReplyDelete@Caydin - thanks for your words of encouragement. I will meditate on these verses later. :)
thank you for sharing becka. when i finished reading your post i felt prompted to pray for you and the verse "cease striving and know that I am God" kept coming to mind. know that GOD LOVES YOU. He just loves YOU. you don't need to "do" anything for Him. having a better understanding on why you and i do the things we do won't cause Him to love us any more or any less. He just LOVEs. its what He does. stop spinning all the wheels of trying to "get it" or "make it work" or "being better" and just know that He is God, and by virtue of His God-ness He is in control of all and He adores you!
ReplyDeleteIt's so frustrating that guilt leads to shame. Shame leads to fear. Fear leads to fleeing. That's the way we're programmed. We're used to fleeing things that bring correction, but that's because we're used to correction coming by brute force, devoid of any love. Punishment alone.
ReplyDeleteThat's just not how God operates. In his case, guilt exists for the purpose of reminding us not how far from him we are but how in need of him we are. It's not meant to drive us away, it's meant to drive us closer as we recognize the only escape is in him. But that's not the way we're used to the world operating, and I think that for many of us this is one of those concepts we'll spend our whole lives trying to wrap our minds around.
The biggest encouragement I have for you is to keep being honest. Thank you for sharing exactly who you are and where you're at. Only by doing that can we address these things together. That kind of authenticity is almost absent among Christians today, and I think it's the reason most people feel so...stuck.
Thank you so much for sharing. I have been through similar times and just a word of encouragement is that it only gets better from here on out.
ReplyDelete"A Beautiful Mess" is a book you should read for being a perfectionist. I probably wouldn't normally tell you to do something, because I don't really know you... but you should read this book if you even slightly think you are a perfectionist. I think too much too, and it is really annoying and hard to shut off. I totally feel ya on the Romans verses... and I know exactly what it feels like to swim in muck. I'm trying to get out of my pool. God will prove He's gracious when, by His grace, it is the only way out.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate your truth in your faith journey. There's a reason that its often said that living a Christian life is not easy. But no lifestyle is easy... this is just the one that ends in eternal perfection and love. Every day is s fight but it is so worth fighting for. God honors and blesses vulnerability. He knows where you're at and where you want to be and He is with you in that journey. He is with you more in your times of weakness because you're honest with Him rather than putting a smile on your face and just showing up to church every Sunday. In Ecclesiastes 9:4 it says "There is only hope for the living. It is better to be a live dog than a dead lion". I think thats a good verse for anyone to hold onto when we start to lose sight of where we are. In the Bible its not a "good thing" to be a dog, it is praised upon to be a lion. But as the scripture states, God would rather have an imperfect, weak dog that is alive than this beautiful strong lion that is dead (dead in the Spirit). Never forget the progress that you can and will make with Jesus on your side. Anything worth fighting for takes TIME. His Spirit is with you always because you strive for this relationship with Him and he honors that. Thank you so much for your honesty with where you're at. With truth comes light. And we're all in this next 8 months together and are so lucky the Lord has given us this companionship.
ReplyDeleteWow this was amazing Becka...I just identify alot. I way overthink also. I felt very comforted simply because I now know you go through this too at times where you started questioning your position as a leader. Ive done that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't wanna be Mr. Fixit so please don't hear that, but as I would say just keep striving for Him and you have already found Him. Thanks Becka
Grace, Grace, God's grace
ReplyDeleteGrace that will pardon and cleanse within
Grace, grace, God's grace
Grace that is greater than all our sin
Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace
freely bestowed on all who believe
you that are longing to see his face
will you at this moment His grace recieve?
Becka,
ReplyDeleteI read your post several times. I don't want to throw an answer at you, which is good, because I don't really have a nice few lines to solve all of life's problems. But I am praying for you, and that as you draw near to him, trust that he is drawing near to you.
Blessings,
Amanda
A lot of what you said resonates with how I've been feeling as well. Thanks for being so genuine, and I just want to encourage you to continue being honest.
ReplyDelete