For being a self-proclaimed writer, I should have more to blog about seeing that I have been doing this FOREVER--well since I received my first journal at the age of 8, a secret garden journal to be precise. :)
I guess I have problems starting because I don't want to use blogging, especially for Circles, as a place to just complain. I want to inspire, encourage, enlighten, make people think, stuff like that. But I hope that in whatever is going on in my life, I hope my experiences can encourage others in the group and vise versa. Thank you fellow slices for your blogs. They uplift me and encourage me everytime I read them. Just wanted to tell you that!
I apologize again for not updating and making this a priority. To be quite frank, I got a little caught up in a secular romantic relationship that just ended recently (Thank God for that) and wasn't taking God seriously and was in a whirlwind of darkness once again. It started back in December and ended two weeks ago. I wasn't attending church as regularly, wasn't attending my weekly Bible study and missed a couple Circles meetings because-- well I don't have an excuse--I just didn't come. I felt guilty before God because I was not honoring him and instead of running to him, I ran the other direction.
Being single has it's benefits for sure, but I guess when you feel alone a lot and the thing you really desire comes around--regardless of how many red flags appear-- I guess I wanted what I wanted--and I chose a guy over God. I feel shamed and guilty but have been trying to pick God over the darkness that still loomes over my head with daunting thoughts. It's been a struggle and I find myself constantly giving God (everytime stuff comes up throughout the day) all the things that make me an imperfect human being-- the things that make me less like God and more like the old self. Trying to be more Christlike when you have played with fire off and on has been a battle inside my mind that makes me want to give up time and time again. I know I don't want to give up and I'm trying to keep afloat. I just hope as time goes on, I will be able to swim instead of just floating :)
With all that said, I have decided to make a full fledged committment to the things I stopped pursuing--not only that, but the last Circles meeting was a conviction on that (Thanks Darin :) ) and I have finally cleared my head enough to realize that I need to stop wasting my life on lies or just temporary means of happiness that only later result in disappointment.
I have also recognized through conversation with friends, reading of scripture and prayer that I really need to depend on God with everything I got and to learn how to trust and love him. I realize that it's going to take God to soak me with his spirit in order to remove this stony heart and replace with a heart of flesh. I always think of the parable of the Farmer Scattering Seed (look up Luke 8:4-15). Right now, my heart a cross between the seed falling on the rocky soil and the seed falling between the thorns. My goal is to be the seed that falls on good soil--the one that produces fruit.
I have more to say but my brain just farted and I don't remember what I was going to say. Be back later.
Becka thanks for the honesty! it's awesome to see you being so raw and laying your heart out for us to see :) never ever give up pursuing God. His faithfulness is unlimited, He can't not be faithful! so despite your blunders, because of Christ you are seen as righteous in Gods sight and there's no amount of good you could do to earn that. keep going girl, the Lord will give you that heart you long for! Hosea is a great book to show how faithful God is and how much He loves us :)
ReplyDeleteI also want to thank you for your honesty and being real with the group. We are all walking through the ups and downs of life together and thanks for letting us be a part of your journey. It is a process to trust and depend on God that I am learning right now as well. God is waiting for us to take that step of surrender and trust. He is there with open arms. He is so faithful and nothing can separate us from His love. I will be praying for you and I'm glad your "back" in the group. :)
ReplyDeleteGlad your back! and looking forward to reading more of your posts! Also, looking forward to seeing how you use your singleness for the glory of God :)
ReplyDeleteLike everyone said...I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Being REAL with each other is the MOST encouraging and uplifting thing that can happen in this group...so don't feel like you have to pretend in order to inspire...it's quite the opposite :) Praise God for what He's clearly doing in your life...and especially in your dating life! If you need accountability in any of these areas, please let us know...seriously, we want to be a community for you! Singleness can feel lonely...BUT, ultimately ending up in a marriage where your husband doesn't share in your love for Christ would be FAR FAR more lonely...which is why I praise God even more that He's teaching you and protecting you from that. I'll be praying for you Becka!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are back! I was worried about you because I hadn't seen you a lot and haven't really gotten to know you yet. Would you like to hang out soon? I would love to support you through this tough time. I'm so excited to see you grow in the ways God wants you :-)
ReplyDeleteOne of the great things about being soil is that it can't change itself ... Only the work of an intentional gardener can. This is also one f the hardest parts about being soil ... But I encourage you to just keep choosing the Master Gardener in the little things. He does amazing things with our rocky and thorny hearts!
ReplyDeleteSECRET GARDEN!!! loved that as a child.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing :) I am praying that God continues to make Himself known in your life, that you will place Him in the center of it all, and that whatever is looming over you will be interrupted by His sunlight :)
thanks for sharing this with us. it's crazy how much our relationships effect our view and time with God. it's awfully hard to find the right people for that, to know when to love and when to separate from the wrong ones.
ReplyDeletethank you for blogging! you got it right girl! it doesn't matter what you write, just write because that's the point of circles! seriously! I wrote a whole blog about this and how crazy it is that it works when we are just honest with ourselves enough to be honest with other people. it has been really hard for me to open up to all these new people, but once I started, I was greeted with love and compassion and it has only helped my long healing process. and I agree with you that only God, and God alone, can do you in the Mighty Work that you want and require. I am this way too and He alone has brought me, personally, to the place I am at and I am incredibly grateful (but it doesn't mean it is easy by any means!). I am learning though, that it takes YOUR cooperation, YOUR persistence to want to change and see Truth, YOUR effort too to allow Him to work. He will let you go off the deep end if you need to and He will bring you back if you let Him, but it is YOUR choice. God is bigger and God is in control. Baby steps of faith. : ) I am for sure walking this with you. : ) He wants so much to change your heart!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're back! And I'm so glad that you have had the opportunity to step back and refocus your efforts on being intentional with God and community. Thank you for your honesty, your wiring, and for being a part of Life Group this past Monday!
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